Streams in the desert: he will sit as a refiner.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Malachi 3:3)

“Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner’s fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner’s fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold.

A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, “will sit” down by it so the dire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal. And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire.” – Arthur Tappan Pierson

Nobody likes having the heat turned up. When you realize the storms have come once again, you are left with nothing but to run or flee from the living God.

I loved this above passage on the refiner's fire, it was the best thing to intersect my thinking the other day as it struck me that God never leaves the fire. He will sit.... those words were so powerful to me as they brought all my fears and anxious thoughts to a screeching halt.
Sometimes we just need to be reminded that He is here.

He is here.

The more I am following Jesus, the true cost of what it means to follow Him comes into clearer view. It will cost you everything. The things you hold the closest will be the first to go. It will be painful. It will be messy. It will not feel good. It will not be certain. It will feel like everything around you is crumbling.

Until you allow the truth of God's word to intersect your conclusions and you find that there is not "some strange thing happening to you."

One of my mentors always tells me, I know how to stop all these things from happening to you, Mazvita. Stop pursuing a life of the gospel. Stop wanting to give your life to fight for the kingdom. Get off the frontlines. Take a backseat. Stop fighting even though nearly everyone around you is giving in, putting down their sword... stop living for what matters.

I told this person today that I just wanted others to fight with. I've been incredibly discouraged to find the road get lonelier and lonelier. To find the ones who were once running mates, giving up, stopping, choosing another path. It's heartbreaking. To see the ones I had left trading it in. For those things that will not satisfy.

It makes for a lonely journey. Some days you want to quit. Some days you wonder if there will be others fighting with you. Some days you wonder why you're seeing it differently.There is no life apart from Christ and He will crucify all the ways we try to find life apart from Him.

We all know nothing worth fighting for comes easy but living it is a different reality. In the face of God continually burning away the fields of thorns so there can be fruit, it is most critical that we lay our feelings aside and trust what we know of His character.

That we have favor with the Lord. That He is for us. Always. That He is faithful. These are the rich promises we must cling to in the face of adversity. Or else our faith is in vain. For we having a living hope. A living hope in Christ Jesus, that anchors us in the midst of the most violent of storms.

That sometimes God brings the storms in our lives so we can experience His grace and be freed of all the ways we try to make ourselves right with Him and find approval and worth from others.

Just like Jonah. God sent the storm in Jonah's life so he would experience the grace of God. So he would experience the incredible relentless pursuit of the God we love to run from.

Jonah's problem was not fear of failure. He was not afraid of going to preach to the Ninevites.

His issue was self-righteousness. He feared success more than anything, His anger and true problem with God is revealed in chapter 3 of Jonah, where God brings mercy to the Ninevites... Jonah says... I knew it, I knew you would do this... to people who do not deserve it... Lord... so that is why I did not want to come.

Yet, the storm comes and sets Jonah free from himself.

God sends the storms until he has our hearts.

God sends the storms to save us from ourselves.

God sends the storms and the earthquakes to loosen chains.

And to bring us back to Himself.

Where true life is found.

These [trials] have come [why] so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1 Peter 1:6-8

It will cost you everything.

“Toys and trinkets are easily earned, but the most valuable things carry a heavy price.”

“The Cross of Obedience," an essay in A.W. Tozer's The Radical Cross

"Some people in reading the Bible say they cannot understand why Elijah and other men had such active power with the living God. It is quite simple. God heard Elijah because Elijah had heard God. God did according to the word of Elijah because Elijah had done according to the word of God. You cannot separate the two.

When we are willing to consider the active will of God for our lives, we come immediately to a personal knowledge of the cross because the will of God is the place of blessed, painful, fruitful trouble!

The Apostle Paul knew about that. He called it “the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings.” It is my conviction that one of the reasons we exhibit very little spiritual power is because we are unwilling to accept and experience fellowship of the Savior’s sufferings, which means acceptance of His cross.

How can we have and know the blessed intimacy of the Lord Jesus if we are unwilling to take the route which He has demonstrated? We do not have it because we refuse to relate the will of God to the cross.

All of the great saints have been acquainted with the cross—even those who lived before the time of Christ. They were acquainted with the cross in essence because their obedience brought it to them.

All Christians living in full obedience will experience the cross and find themselves exercised in spirit very frequently. If they know their own hearts, they will be prepared to wrestle the cross when it comes.

Think of Jacob in the Old Testament and notice the direction from which he cross came—directly from his own carnal self. It took Jacob some time to discover the nature of his own heart and to admit and confess that Jacob’s cross was Jacob himself.

Read again about Daniel and you will discover that his cross was the world. Consider Job and you will find that his cross was the devil. The devil crucified Job, the world crucified Daniel, and Jacob was crucified on the tree of his own Jacobness, his own carnality.

Study the lives of the apostles in the New Testament and you will find that their crosses came from the religious authorities.

Likewise in Church history we look at Luther and note that his cross came from the Roman Church which makes so much of wooden crosses, while Wesley’s cross came from the Protestant Church. Continue to name the great souls who followed the will of God, and you will name the men and women of God who looked forward by faith, and their obedience invariably led them into places of blessed and painful and fruitful trouble.

I must point out here the fallacy of thinking that in following Jesus we can easily go up on the hillside and die—just like that! I admit that when Jesus was here on earth, the easiest and cheapest way to get off was to follow Jesus physically. Anyone could get out of work and say good-bye with the explanation, “I am going to follow Jesus.” Multitudes did this. They followed Him physically, but they had no understanding of Him spiritually. Therefore, in that day the cheapest, easiest way to dispose of the cross was to carry it physically.

But brethren, taking our cross is not going to mean the physical act of following Jesus along a dusty pathway. We are not going to climb the hill where there are already two crosses in place and be nailed up between them.

Our cross will be determined by whatever pain and suffering and trouble which will yet come to us because of our obedience to the will of God. The true saints of God have always borne witness that wholehearted obedience brings the cross into the light quicker than anything else.

IDENTIFIED WITH CHRIST

Oneness with Christ means to be identified with Christ, identified with Him in crucifixion. But we must go on to be identified with Him in resurrection as well, for beyond the cross is resurrection and the manifestation of His presence.

I would not want to make the mistake of some preachers who have never gotten beyond the message of death, death, death! They preach it so much that they never get anyone beyond death into resurrection life and victory… I was greatly helped by the radiant approach of Dr. A.B. Simpson to the meaning of the cross and death to self. He took one through the meaning of the cross to the understanding that beyond the cross there is resurrection life and power, and identification with a risen Savior and the manifestation of His loving presence.

The old fifteenth-century saint whom we have quoted declared that “God is ingenuous in making us crosses.”

Considering that, we have to confess that when some Christians say, “I am crucified with Christ by faith,” they are merely using a technical term and are not talking about a cross in reality. But God wants His children to know the cross. He knows that only spiritual good can come to us as a result of our identification with the Lord Jesus. So He is ingenuous in making crosses for us.

The quotation continues:

'He may make them of iron and of lead which are heavy of themselves. He makes some of straw which seem to weigh nothing, but one discovers that they are no less difficult to carry. A cross that appears to be of straw so that others think it amounts to nothing may be crucifying you through and through.

He makes some with gold and precious stones which dazzle the spectators and excite the envy of the public but which crucify no less than the crosses which are more despised.'Christians who are put in high places, Christians who are entrusted with wealth and influence, know something about the kind of cross that may seem dazzling to spectators and excites the envy of the public—but if they know how to take it, it crucifies them no less than the others.'

It seems that he makes our crosses of all the things we like the best so that when they turn to bitterness we are able to learn the true measure of eternal values..."

Anchored

(originally written 10/29/08)

It’s been a really good week. I feel it has something more to do with God continuing to strip more and more impurities from my heart and from my life and deepening my dependence on Him and being anchored in Him, than anything that has actually happened.

Somehow this is coloring everything.This hope thing and being secure in the Lord.

Had a really hard conversation with someone I love dearly last night, yet had a couple other meetings planned after that and was joyful. I was teary in the car but it didn’t wreck my mood or my day.

The joy of the Lord is not contingent on circumstances.

I am experiencing what can only come from the grace of God, the security of knowing and being intimately known by Him. This week and a current theme in the last few months, I have been brought to a place of more and more freedom and peace each day.

I feel lighter.

I am happier.

I am excited.

Things that once bothered me now give me an opportunity to trust God with it. I am not tossed from side to side. He is grounding me. And I'm learning how much I don't have to do anything alone or in my own strength. He is the source of all I need.

My heart is hopeful. My heart is learning to trust and find rest in that security. I feel I’m undergoing a conversion of sorts. Learning what it truly means to live loved.

Hope and the certainty of God’s promises

Hebrews 6:9-20

"A small boat on the ocean rocks and bobs on the tide. When dark storm clouds roll in, it pulls and twists in violent winds. If it is not secured, it can easily drift away in calm waters, or suddenly be dashed in rocks in turbulence. Its anchor, however, holds it firm and keeps it safe. It may not be free from distress, but it is held by a deep and reliable source. So the soul, we now learn, is “firm and secure” (Hebrews 6:19) in the hope God has given to hold it steady."

9Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. 10God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. 11We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. 12We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

The Certainty of God's Promise

13When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, 14saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many descendants."[a] 15And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.16Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. 17Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 18God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. 19We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek. - Hebrews 6:9-20

Our Hope: the seed will produce fruit

“Progressive sanctification, that slow process of change into Christlikeness, means, in its simplest form, that we’ve already been made to be in Christ (our justification), we are growing to be in our practice (our sanctification).

This sanctification is nothing less than a guaranteed blossoming of the gospel seed that has been implanted within the soul of every born-again believer (1 Peter 1:23-25). It is not imitation of a personality alien to us, but rather it is the inward renovation of our souls by the power of the resurrected Christ who resides within us. Imagine a natural seed within your heart invisibly germinating, and then extending its tender roots, branching out and growing stronger, becoming more and more entrenched until it finally fills your entire soul. That’s what the seed of the gospel is like within you; it will reproduce the image of Jesus.”

- Because He Loves Me, Elyse M. Fitzpatrick

stop and look

“Stop tinkering with your soul and look away to the perfect One.” - A.W. Tozer

(originally written 10/22/08)

So I wrote this this morning in bible study and am wanting to post a lot more when time allows on this awesome chapter in a book we’re studying. This is probably the first book in a long time I've read that I haven't cared much for, but now on chapter 7, things are starting to resonate... But for now, after an hour long discourse on faith in the bible study group this morning, I wrote my most simplified conclusion in my book:

Faith is a constant moment by moment, circumstance by circumstance

choice

of where to turn my gaze

Myself and my circumstances and trying with all my might to figure out a solution on my own, rely on myself, trying to solve the problem

or to God…

Who will I depend on?

Who or what will I trust?

Who or what will I choose to believe?

“Faith is simply believing God.” – Francis Schaeffer

A.W. Tozer wrote, “Faith is the gaze of the soul upon a saving God… Faith is the least self-regarding of the virtues. It is by its very nature scarcely conscious of its own existsnec. Like the eye which sees everything in front of it and never sees itself, faith is occupied with the Object on upon which it rests and pays no attention to itself at all.”

Streams in the Desert: A Tree that Flourishes

(originally written 10/18/08)

I'm starting a new series called "Streams in the Desert," based on the title of a devotional that has some powerful truths for weary travelers on this journey we call the Christian life. I am finding a new strength in the last couple of months from these streams, the promises of God and God himself I've encountered in the desert. This first post of the series features the beginning of it all at a women's ministry kickoff last month and then I will post random devotionals or verses that have been life-giving streams to me in this once parched land. I feel He has come and nourished my soul, providing living springs where there was once desert.





Psalm 1:1-3. Blessed is the man/woman who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his/her delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he/she meditates day and night. He/She is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he/she does prospers.





Jeremiah 17:7-8. But blessed is the man/woman who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He/She will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.



I learned from the speaker that day that these two passages depict two different streams. (I've shared my answers from my reflection that day and answers provided in the teaching below in italics but feel free to reflect on these questions on your own)



What is the stream in the first passage? Here the stream represents the Word of God… “her delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law she meditates day and night.” The word is feeding it [the tree] constantly… as the tree remains planted near it. Here is the critical point, we must realize we are firmly planted near the source, even in seasons where it seems we are in dry lands.



What is the stream in the second passage? Here the stream represents God himself, our Source. The tree drinks deeply and their soul is nourished, even in times of no rain… and it always bears fruit. We can be thriving women, in every season…



Prayerfully reread the Jeremiah passage and answer the questions below.
Who is the blessed man/woman in this passage? The one whose confidence is in the Lord… who trusts the Lord despite the circumstances… who doesn’t forget the Lord in times of difficulty or drought and freak out that they have got to figure it out on their own… but who sends its roots by the stream, whose roots drink deeply from the Lord.



This woman can drink deeply, even when there is no rain.



What does the passage say about?



The roots-Sends its roots by the stream… reaches out to the life-giving source… our thirsty souls… to be fed daily by being close to the Lord, to drink deeply… planted by the water.



The leaves –Its leaves are always green… despite the season, despite the circumstances



The fruit –Always bearing fruit, even in times of drought or difficulty



The stream –The stream is what is sustaining it.



Draw a picture of the tree described in the passage in Jeremiah. Then we had to draw ourselves as the tree. Then they asked the following questions. How would you draw YOU as a tree right now at this point in your life (basing it on your spiritual health or state right now? What is the health, or “flourishing” of your tree? Are we next to it? Are we connected to it? Are we flourishing? Do we feel we are withering? What is the promise found in both of these passages? What do we need to do in order to receive this promise?



We did this exercise in a bible study in a women’s ministry I’m a part of. It was powerful. I mean, how many of us can relate to needing that stream in the desert? I have loved this imagery as I have found how God has come and filled this parched land with springs day after day that I have hardly forgotten I am in desert. But my job is to remember that I am firmly planted next to Him and allow Him to sustain me constantly, so that the way I see and live my everyday life, in the mundane tasks, he is glorified.



He has been my stream in the desert, as well as His word which I’ve come to treasure. I heard someone talk about a book called Streams in the Desert, which is actually a devotional, but it reinforces a lot of these themes I’ve just begin to explore in the last month.
I want to be a woman who is like that tree planted by the water… whose leaves are always green.



Those last few words really stuck out to me because as I can see in my life, even this summer which I would describe as the hardest part of the “desert” season, as we’re connected to the source, even in times of drought, we are nourished. We do not fear when heat comes, we never fail to bear fruit. These are rich promises I was refreshed to read in Jeremiah 17 and rich promises that have allowed me to be sustained not by the promises along, but by the Promiser.

voice

(originally written 10/15/08)

Sometimes we need nothing more than to hear the voice of God.

It is a voice that calms all fears and inner chaos.

It is a voice that breaks through my racing thoughts and anxious heart.

“In the silence of the heart God speaks.”

The process of getting completely still and silent before God is something that takes work. It takes an intentional effort of calming myself down and making it a priority to sit still long enough for the one part of my day that is most crucial, yet the getting there I’m tempted to believe I can put it off, or that I can wait till later, or that I will be fine.

Every time I enter into his presence through in silence and am completely alone and away from distractions, my soul is at ease.

His presence is something we can continually experience throughout the day. But nothing is more precious than those moments where it’s just you and God and where you shut up long enough to let Him speak. And it is there again that worlds collide and we're confronted with the sufficiency of Christ.

Today He said something to my heart, it was in the middle of my rambling prayer about all these things that I know God is acutely aware of but that I needed to get off my heart when I just sat there bowed, laying myself at his feet, when I heard those words…

“You know I’m going to take care of you, right?”

And I immediately remembered who I was talking with.

It was the voice my Father. A voice strangely more familiar and comforting than any voice I have heard audibly. It was the familiarity and gentle authority of His voice that put me at rest.
A voice that reminds me that I am not alone. I am not forgotten. I don’t have to do this on my own. And that I seen, known, loved and chosen. A voice that calls out to us as we're out to sea and reminds us that He is here. It is a voice that gently takes you by the hand again, and simply says, do not be afraid.

My intimate relationship with the one who raised me and has walked with me every step of my life. Of the one who knows me more than I do, who has more stake in my life and well-being than anyone else. Who loved me from the beginning of my life simply because of who I am and who he created me to be. He loved me and was pleased with me long before I ever “was” anything in this world. In His eyes, I am the beloved, with who He is well pleased.

When I dare to be powerful

(originally written 10/10/08)

"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid"- Audre Lorde

“Do you ever get nervous about all of this? Because I totally see your calling and totally see it now, 5 years from now, 15 years from now…” and as she asked me that, I admitted, sometimes it freaks me out.

These women who are fueling and sharpening my vision and wanting to help me do it and see it to the next level and get trained and equipped to do it on a larger scale.

And then I come to moments where it’s scary because it is so much larger than me. But at the same time that fear is also exciting. Make sense? Kinda.

God has given each of us a kingdom vision that is much larger than ourselves, for our lives are in the context of something so much bigger and greater.

And I’m finding the days or the moments when I am afraid are few and far between, for as my boy Brennan Manning says, “God’s grace always precedes his call.” All the grace I need for each next step is already there, given.

‘The one thing we owe absolutely to God is never to be afraid of anything.’ His (Charles de Foucauld’s) unflinching trust in the love of God morphed into humble confidence that the grace for the next step in the dance of life was already there, given. Without anxiety, Abba’s children move forward, knowing that the next and the next and the next steps will take care of themselves.”- B. Manning

The Map

(originally written 10/10/08)

I have a mentor.

And lots of women I look up to.I am so grateful.I have been praying and wanting this for years in the absence of my last two mentors moving away.And now God has provided three key women that are involved and desire to be in my life in different capacities. I asked for one, I got three. God always takes care of us. Sometimes I think only I want that type of relationship. But they have reinforced the truth I so easily forget that mentoring and discipleship is a two way street. It’s about relationship. And the thing that floors me is they are just as excited and interested in me as I am in them. They are longing to for a young woman in their lives as I am longing for older women.

There is an excitement with new relationships, new worlds opening up, a new set of life experiences, their stories, all to be shared and learned from.And I’ve been praying specifically for this and God blows me away. Because of my personality and how I’m wired, I’ve desired women in my life again who are “movers and shakers.”



I think somewhere along the way I started believing the lie that once I get married my personal ministry and things I love doing would come to an end. That I would spend all my waking hours serving my husband and supporting the ministry work he is doing.



That I would be completely lost and take on his life.



And that does NOT get me the least bit excited about marriage.



Yes, I will learn to die to myself and I believe marriage is going to be great for me to learn how to fully love and serve someone else, but I am meeting women who are calming all my fears.They are leading large women’s ministries at thriving churches in town. They are starting companies, starting children’s homes, starting missions organizations, teaching college students. They are wives, they are mothers, they are workers, they are loving others, they are out there making a difference and transforming the world around them. They are not in the shadows.They serve their husbands but not to the detriment of who God has made them and called them to be.



This is so beautiful to see.These are women that I have been praying for that I look at and am like, I want to be you in 10 years. Or 20 years. Or 30 years.



And they’re real. I can’t put them on a pedestal because they are honest with who they are and their real life struggles.It is beautiful and it is freeing.



I feel like these last few months I’ve been entering “womanhood.”I’ve gone to my first “women’s ministry” things and am a part of “women groups.”I’m not the kid, but an active part. I have a place in their lives just as they do in mine.



I somehow thought I would have nothing to offer. But they all love having someone younger around who loves God and has a "fresh perspective." I feel the same about them.



Sometimes it’s amazing how the Lord works. Again and again we see this is scripture and we see it in our own lives. We ask God for things and he far surpasses our requests. Today Granny Pam of Granny’s House spoke at a women’s group I go to. She talked about how important a mentor is in a child’s life and during her slideshow a picture of her husband and a young boy studying a map came on the screen. She said the funny thing is when they were putting the slideshow together and when they took the picture they were not thinking this, but landed on how fitting that picture was.



A mentor has a map, she said, and serves as a guide in that child’s life. Life is a maze and a mentor helps the child guide through the twists and turns without bumping into wall after wall. Mentoring is like studying a map together.



I missed that. I grieved and longed for that so much in the last couple of years, of having an older woman in my life to help me navigate through the forest when all I can see is the bark on the trees five inches from my face.I have had older men and father figures still serving in this role, but there is nothing like connecting with the heart of a woman.



God is faithful.I am so grateful. Even when I will think he has forgotten, two years later, he brings fulfillment.

Walking with God

(originally written 9/30/08)

Narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” – JESUS (MATT 7:14)

You have made known to me the path of life. – KING DAVID (Ps. 16:11)

"What is discipleship?

On the other hand, there is what we have come to accept as discipleship. A friend of mine recently handed me a program from a large and successful church somewhere in the Midwest. It’s a rather exemplary model of what the idea has fallen to. Their plan for discipleship involves, first, becoming a member of this particular church. Then they encourage you to take a course on doctrine. Be “faithful” in attending the Sunday morning service and a small group fellowship. Complete a special course on Christian growth. Live a life that demonstrates clear evidence of spiritual growth. Complete a class on evangelism. Consistently look for opportunities to evangelize. Complete a course on finances, one on marriage, and another on parenting (provided that you are married or a parent). Complete a leadership training course, a hermeneutics course, a course on spiritual gifts, and another on biblical counseling. Participate in missions. Carry a significant local church ministry “load.”

You’re probably surprised that I would question this sort of program most churches are trying to get their folks to complete something like this in one way or another. No doubt a great deal of helpful information is passed on. My goodness, you could earn an MBA with less effort.

But let me ask you: A program like this—does it teach a person how to apply principles, or how to walk with God? They are not the same thing. Change the content and any cult could do this. I mean, Gandhi was a remarkable man, so was Lao-tzu, Confucius, or Thomas Jefferson. They all had principles for a better life. But only Christianity can teach you to walk with God.

We forfeit that birthright when we take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss the most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created for: intimacy with God.

There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who were doing all the “right” things: “Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you’ “(Matt 7:23). Knowing God. That’s the point.

You might recall the old proverb: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help him solve the rest of his life.

Truth be told, you couldn’t master enough principles to see you safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule….Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all—are we “followers of Christ”? Then by all means, let’s actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him."

- Excerpt from Waking the Dead, Eldredge

"The poorest man in the world is a man without a dream"

(originally written 9/24/08)

That quote grabbed my attention.

It was towards the end of a brochure from The St. Louis Dream Center, a place that is truly being Christ in the heart of inner city St. Louis.

I just told a friend tonight that after talking with people and touring The Dream Center and Mercy Ministries today, it was like walking into a dream.

Both places encompass the long-term vision and dreams God has put on my heart and that He has been revealing to me slowly over the last four years.

Lives transformed. Hope restored.

Mercy Ministries is a home for teen girls and their mission is to help young women find freedom from various life-controlling issues such as drug and alcohol addictions, eating disorders, self-harm, unwanted pregnancies, physical and sexual abuse and depression. They are a national organization, headquarters in Nashville and several campuses throughout the states.

A church that never sleeps…

The lady I met with at Mercy Ministries told me since I also have a desire to do urban/inner city ministry down the road, that I should check out The Dream Center, where her husband is on staff. He’s one of the pastors there and they actually started off at the original Dream Center in LA and then after Joyce Meyer Ministries toured the LA facility, decided St. Louis needed something like it as well.

I don’t even know how to describe the Dream Center. I toured eight different buildings. It is a center but it is a church. As a local church, their vision is to transform the St. Louis community by restoring individuals and families through the love of Christ.

They are serving the community and doing urban ministry 24/7. And the interns and some of the staff live there. As one girl shared with me today, “we live here with the gunshots, with the drug busts, with the prostitution, we see it all and we live it with them.”

Very much what God’s been putting on my heart, to have a center that is in the heart of a city that also functions as the church. The two are not separate. And then, in working with women at The Shelter in Columbia, I’ve had an increasing desire to bridge the gap between the world we don’t see. The disadvantaged that we can so easily insulate ourselves from. I have a desire to live and be a part of their lives, and share that with them, not go home every night to my home in the suburbs. And the more God has been stirring this longer-term dream within, He is stirring my heart for how to start that now, little by little in my own city. How I can be a part of God's plan to connect our church more with the needs of our city.

So today, two separate parts of the dream came alive before my eyes. I was completely speechless after spending an hour at The Dream Center.

And when I drove up this long hill to Mercy Ministries, all of a sudden everything was still.It was so beautiful. And it was awesome getting to see some of the girls that live there and see how this program is truly empowering women to know who they are and to experience the power of God in their lives.

Part of why I was so speechless is I was so full of hope.

Christ has come to this home. I thought as I left Mercy Ministries.Christ has come to this city. I thought as I left The Dream Center.One by one, block by block, He is chasing and redeeming and loving His people, calling each one home.

August 2008 Postcard/Update

the things i love

... aside from what you may have learned about me from appointments or my prayer letters, here’s what makes me tick…

I love (God of course, but besides that and in no particular order...)

1. DANCE

"The dancer believes that [her] art has something to say which cannot be expressed in words or in any other way than by dancing... there are times when the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words. " --Doris Humphrey

I’ve danced since I was three years old. Ballet. Tap. Jazz. Hip hop. Contemporary/modern. You name it. I LOVE dancing. I had studio training through high school then in college a close friend, Kate Kromann, and I had a dream to open a dance studio for underprivileged youth in our community who could not afford dance lessons. Both of us had done cheerleading or pom squad in high school and had helped with tryouts and it was really unfortunate to us that a lot of young girls are excluded from these activities because their families simply cannot afford it. We wanted to make the joy of dancing available to everyone and for both of us, dancing is a way we’re able to express ourselves and worship God as we were created to do. When I’m not dancing, I feel like I’m not living!

Throughout college, we ended up handing over Center Stage to new leadership and started a dance ministry team at our church, The Rock. We had several great years (photos below) and with all of the members graduating and myself being the only choreographer left, it is a ministry on hold right now but one I dream to rebuild and I’m praying for God to send us dancers! Right now I get my dance fix by committing to dance at least once a week in the confines of my room in a complete workout and a couple old dance ministry girls or dance fans and I have been watching So You Think You Can Dance this summer :)

After a Rock Dance ministry practice on fateful night.

Practicing for "There's beauty in the breakdown."

I led a dance ministry at Colorado Leadership training summers 2005 and 2006. Here's a shot taken during "Two Points for Honesty" by Guster.

LT Dance ministry girls, "Iris" by the GooGoo Dolls.

LT Dance ministry girls, talent show.

LT Dance ministry girls with Chris Ridgeway, Univ. of Ill. staffer in charge of worship arts that summer for us at LT.

Rock dance girls getting ready.

Rock dance girls after "Loving Loss" by Caleb Carruth.

Rock dance girls hip hop "Let's Get It Started"

The original dance ministry team! Top row (left to right) Becky Reiners, Kim Bleyer, Stephanie (Brown) Casey, Me, Kate (Germain) Kromann. Bottom row: Camry Ivory and Bailey.

2. CHILDREN

“home is not where you first lived, but where you feel truly alive.” – Garden State

God has blessed me with families that have welcomed me into their lives and where I truly feel at home. One of those families is the Ingalls’ family, I’ve known them for several years. They are on associate staff with The Rock. They are a true example of a godly family and the way a home can truly be a place where the love of God is known and distributed. Their kids are like my own. I’m kinda the big sister/aunt type to all of them and have been there since the last three were born. They have four children Laura, turning 7 next week, Zachary, 4, Paige, 3, and Baby Brennan is four months old!!! I go to their house about once a week and especially in the stressful and busy life of support raising, making a point to go and play with the kdis and visit with Cannon and Korrin always helps me remember what’s truly important in life and helps me to keep going!

Laura and I.

My pastor's daughter, Jessie Drage and I.

This was my first encounter with Baby Brennan, two days old! As you can see, I'm truly gifted with the little ones :)

Mom and baby

Baby Brennan and I last month, we've come a long way :)

Face painting with the kids!

And the rest of what I love: Girl time.Friends.Reading.Writing.Traveling.Big cities.Coffee shops.Blogging.Photography (enjoying it not taking it!).People.Starbucks :)

are you lost or incomplete?

"Living in the wisdom of accepted tenderness means receiving each moment as an end in itself…

It simply lets us live in trust, transparency, and compassion…

The experience of God’s Spirit as tenderness was mirrored to me quite unobtrusively at a couple’s forty-fifth wedding anniversary celebration. The husband had quietly withdrawn sometime during the festivities, and I found them quite by accident. I wasn’t looking for them as I passed a sheltered alcove, nor was I eavesdropping—but I was mesmerized by what I saw. There they were, sitting on a loveseat with an overhead light shining indirectly on the man’s face. He stared intently at his spouse—that woman about whom he knew everything there was to know: her strengths and weaknesses, her occasional moodiness and temper tantrums, her sense of humor and sense of insecurity, her nagging and her magnanimity. Nothing remained hidden.

The expression in the man’s eyes conveyed warmth, tenderness, and the same compassion she had shown him during his struggles with John Barleycorn. Not a word was exchanged. She sighed as tears slid down her cheeks. They embraced.

The spirituality of accepted tenderness brings a gathering awareness of the loving gaze of the Abba of Jesus with all the above qualities infinitely magnified, and thus it enables us to be alone with God in the midst of the most diverse activities. It allows an unpretentious presence to the present moment without manuals and mirrors, goals and game plans, stress or distress. It simply rejoiced in the gift. And this spirituality is all the work of the Spirit defined as “given tenderness.”

This tenderness also encompasses an unspoken assurance that Jesus will provide the grace for the next step on the spiritual journey. Charles de Foucauld, a desert hermit and an inspiration for a community known as the Little Brothers of Jesus, wrote, “The one thing we owe absolutely to God is never to be afraid of anything.” His unflinching trust in the love of God morphed into humble confidence that the grace for the next step in the dance of life was already there, given. Without anxiety, Abba’s children move forward, knowing that the next and the next and the next steps will take care of themselves. Abba’s children don’t worry about tomorrow or even late this afternoon…

I’m amazed at how long it’s taken me to learn this and appalled at how quickly (and often) I forget it…During those transitional years, I didn’t understand that God’s grace always precedes his call…Living in the wisdom of tenderness is an unending adventure in trust and dependence.”

- The Wisdom of Tenderness, Brennan Manning

Fully accepted for who I am. I long for this. I think we all long for this.

I’m coming to grips with this is how God loves us and longs to love us. He is our intimate lover. Yet he also chooses to mirror this love with giving us wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends here on earth so we get the picture. As of late, God has been desiring to be this for me more and more. I feel I'm getting to know God as Father in a way I never knew possible and in a way that is bringing full acceptance, full belonging, being fully known and fully loved and fully complete in Him.

For this reason I kneel before the Father

original post 7/31/08 - other blog

Those words were echoing in my head this morning as the Lord woke me up an HOUR before my alarm today… the nerve lol. Last night I was hoping I would be able to get myself out of bed a little early and hit up Panera before work, but I know that 6:30 am comes fast and that was probably not going to happen. Jesus had other plans for this morning.

I’m glad He woke me up.

These words kept calling me, wooing my name, calling me to get out of bed and not go back to sleep, call on the LORD while he is near… the LORD is near to all who call on Him… our God is waiting to be found…

And I was like wide awake was the crazy thing. (I am not a morning person.)

I went somewhere else instead of Panera and just sat in silence, allowing my soul to rest in God’s presence. I didn’t know why I was there but I didn’t need to… for this reason I kneel before the father… for what reason? I wondered.

What reason does this passage talk about? I’m learning to be okay with the mystery of God, the glory of God, the kabod, as its Hebrew derivative points to, the mystery of God, who is known and unknown all the same… Then, the more I thought about it and why I didn't need a reason, I remembered that my natural state is in communion with God. That is when I am my most true self. We were created and designed for God. For Him and by Him, for his pleasure. That's it. Made to worship. My soul was meant to commune with the most High God and for that reason, I kneel before the Father. What a privilege.

7I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power.

A friend of mine pointed out this verse to me last week and the more I’ve been pondering it the more I am grateful for this gift of grace and this gift that has made me a servant of the gospel.

It is grace I’m standing on.

7I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power. 8Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, 9and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. 10His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, 11according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. 12In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. 13I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

A Prayer for the Ephesians

14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:7-21

into your hands i commit my spirit

(original post - 7/30/08 - other blog)

“Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father’s active goodness and unrestricted love.”

Brennan Manning is by far one of my favorite authors. I might even say my favorite. His words have the ability pierce my heart like no other human. His books are great treasures to me, I’ve recently been re-reading one of his best works, a little 180-page book called Ruthless Trust.

The other day, as God was breaking me down, I realized my heart was aching and was hurting at not wanting, not having the courage to trust God another day, with another thing. My heart was demanding answers from a multitude of things, and the answer is to trust, to simple trust? I needed more. I needed God to break through and speak to me.

I came to see. After lots of tears and experiencing his peace and his presence in the midst of a beautiful clearing I discovered in the middle of some trees that my real struggle was trusting his love for me and that I wasn’t getting ripped off and loving and accepting myself.

Through several breakdowns the last few days and God desiring to reclaim the deepest parts of my heart and soothe and heal them, I’ve come to these three conclusions.

I do not have control over many things. I cannot predict tomorrow, two weeks from now, five years from now. I do not even know what the rest of the afternoon will bring. I do not know what will happen in all these situations I was getting anxious about. I do not know what people are thinking. I cannot tell if someone is interested or if I should just give up. I do not know.

But these three things I can control:

1) what I choose to believe about God

2) what I choose to believe about myself

3) what I choose to believe about the situation

Thus, I’ve been feeding myself truth. From favorite books that speak truth to my heart and free me from worry and self-condemnation and God has been leading me to lots of Scripture that has been slowly changing my perspective. He saved me Sunday. He saved me Monday. He saved me yet again Tuesday and is saving me today. Saving me from myself and from the millions ways I can be led to not believe what He says about Himself is true, that He can be trusted, and that I am secure and I am okay. He is Enough and I am enough, not lacking in anything.

There’s a certain amount of faith each of us can have until we hit the breaking point where we just want to see. Where the work it takes to believe, to go without knowing is too much and we just long to be able to see results, to be able to see a month, a year, ten years down the road to see what is going. I just wanted see... but the plan now is faith. faith now, sight later. and he meets us in our deepest need.

“Unwavering trust is a rare and precious thing because it often demands a degree of courage that borders on the heroic. When the shadow of Jesus’ cross falls across our lives in the form of failure, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, unemployment, loneliness, depression, the loss of a loved one; when we are deaf to everything but the shriek of our own pain; when the world around us seems a hostile, menacing place—at those times we may cry out in anguish, ‘How could a loving God permit this to happen?’ At such moments the seeds of distrust are sown. It requires heroic courage to trust in the love of God no matter what happens to us.”

…

“The most brilliant student I ever taught in seminary was a young man named Augustus Gordon…

On a recent visit I asked him, ‘Gus, could you define the Christian life in a single sentence?’ He didn’t even blink before responding. ‘Brennan,’ he said, ‘I can define it in a single word: trust.’

… I can state unequivocally that childlike surrender in trust is the defining spirit of authentic discipleship. And I would add that the supreme need in most of our lives is the often most overlooked—namely, the need for an uncompromising trust in the love of God.”

…

“We ourselves have known and put out trust in God’s love toward ourselves” (1 John 4:16). Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father’s active goodness and unrestricted love.

We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, ‘Into your hands I commit my spirit’ (Luke 23:46).”

…

“If we could free ourselves from the temptation to make faith a mindless assent to the pawnshop of doctrinal beliefs, we would discover with alarm that the essence of biblical faith lies in trusting God.

The faith that animates the Christian community is less a matter of believing in the existence of God than a practical trust in his loving care under whatever pressure.

The stakes here are enormous, for I have not said in my heart, ‘God exists,’ until I have said, ‘I trust you.’”

…

“Though we often disregard our need for unfaltering trust in the love of God, that need is the most urgent we have. It is the remedy for much of our sickness, melancholy, and self-hatred. The heart converted from mistrust to trust in the irreversible forgiveness of Jesus Christ is redeemed from the corrosive power of fear. The existential dread that salvation is reserved solely for the proper and pious, the nameless fear that we are predestined to backslide, the brooding pessimism that the good news of God’s love is simply wishful thinking—all these combine to weave a thin membrane of distrust that keeps us in a chronic state of anxiety.

The decisive (or what I call the second) conversion from mistrust to trust—a conversion that must be renewed daily—is the moment of sovereign deliverance from the warehouse of worry.

So life-changing is this ultimate act of confidence in the acceptance of Jesus Christ that it can properly be called the hour of salvation.

So often what is notoriously missing from the external, mechanized concept of salvation is self-acceptance, an experience that is internally personalized and rooted in the acceptance of Jesus Christ. It bids good riddance to unhealthy guilt, shame, remorse, and self-hatred. Anything less—self-rejection in any form—is a manifest sign of a lack of trust in the total sufficiency of Jesus’ saving work. Has he set me free from fear of the Father and dislike of myself or has he not?”

…

“The grace-laden act of trust is the landmark decision of life outside of which nothing has value and inside of which every relationship and achievement, every success and failure derives its final meaning. Unbounded trust in the merciful love of the redeeming God deals a mortal blow to skepticism, cynicism, self-condemnation, and despair. It is our decisive YES to Christ’s command, ‘Trust in God and trust also in me.’

the plan

"The plan is faith now, sight later."

7/30/08 - other blog

Will you give your life to this mission?

originally posted - 7/28/08, other blog

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

No one takes my life from me, I lay it down on my own accord. - Jesus

these words were ringing in my head over and over as I was surrounded by men and women who are continually laying their lives down last week.

one of my close friends and mentors, eva ellingsworth, is a missionary with a GCM church in Amsterdam. we got to room together while she was speaking at colorado leadership training last week, i was out there for a staff retreat with my church, support raising, and seeing students from our church as well as eva.
she makes the second female to speak at LT and getting to hear her share her story, the amazing work of grace in her life, was incredible.

the next night we had a women's time where she was joined by two others from her church in amsterdam. these women were also staying in our room and just being around them and hearing about their lives i signed up for the gospel again.
i say this because it's a daily choice. a daily decision to lay my life down and live for christ, to live for the sake of the gospel.

these women are movers and shakers in their church and their city.

it was so encouraging to be in that room of women of so many different ages and backgrounds and lifestyles to celebrate what it means to be a woman of god... and what the life of a missionary looks like, vocationally or not, what it means to be content and truly satisfied in the lord, single or married, what it means for jesus to truly be Enough in your life and helping others find that same reality as well.

this question, will you give your life to this mission? first came to me at ignite a couple weeks after i had made a decision after two years of praying and seeking counsel, to go on staff full-time as a GCM missionary with my church... the question came again from the lord... i rescued you because i delighted in you... i have created you for my pleasure... i have delighted and loved you with an everlasting love, will you give your life for me?

and i signed up then. i signed up again last week and i sign up again today.
the most amazing part of hearing eva speak was as she stood there, this beautiful woman of god, impacting tons of lives out there, i was struck by john 12:24... eva simply let her life fall to the ground and die and now look what has become of it...

will i come and die?
will i give the lord my heart and my life?

i desire to give him a heart fully surrendered.

Take me in

(original post - 7/28/08 on other blog)

So I was reacquainted with this old favorite in my friend Peggy's car last week on the way to Colorado. This song really spoke to me and reminds me of my journey these last couple of weeks in Kansas City, driving, and then Colorado and now back, it was a beautiful time of intimacy with the lord and his people. I've been desperate for Jesus lately and my soul is desiring to be with Him more and more the last few days. Walking back from lunch today and some time time in prayer I was reminded of my desire for him to take me in. Just a few moments in his presence was the answer to my soul's deepest ache today. So take me in...

Take me past the outer courts

Into the Holy Place

Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see your face

Pass me by the crowds of people

And the Priests who sing your praise

I hunger and thirst for your righteousness

But it's only found in one place

[Chorus:]
Take me into the holy of holies

Take me in by the blood of the lamb

Take me into the holy of holies

Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

So take me into the holy of holies

Take me in by the blood of the lamb

Take me into the holy of holies

Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,To gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4